Bon Voyage

My first thought with that damn proverb is "ah, stuff it," but somehow that doesn't seem to be in the right dietary spirit. Thanks a lot, Confucius, but I know how I got here. The question is how to get out.

The New York Times reports that we get fat because our friends get fat. That's nice. Dieticians say we eat too much of the wrong stuff. Duh! Some biologists blame bacteria. Sociologists blame lousy parenting. Geneticists blame lousy parents. While nobody really knows exactly why more of the world is joining the chubby club, they all agree with one thing: fat is bad.

But is it really? Turns out, fat is an important biological buffer. Without it, our organs would bloat in times of plenty and shrivel in times of lean. Fat has recently been upgraded to an organ in and of itself, complete with its own hormones. Things are looking up! Biologically speaking, a certain amount of fat is good — even necessary. Hooray for me, I officially have a big organ — some would even call it a Wurlitzer! Alright, probably not the big organ most guys hope for (a huge spleen), but still, don't I get bragging rights?

Not according to my doctor, who is a major killjoy. She says fat can be a killer. Sooner or later excess fat will, ironically and revoltingly, eat away at us, clogging our vessels and strangling our organs. So what's a "gravitationally challenged" person to do? Well, the first thing that comes to mind is to switch doctors. No, really (my wife is poking me now), I suppose we may have to lose a little weight. I've gone a few miles down this path and I won't lie to you. This is pretty much a pain in the derriere. Even my extravagantly upholstered derriere is apprehensive.

It is, I think, doable. And if I'm honest with myself, I have to admit I'm feeling better already, even though it's only been a couple of weeks. I'm writing this semi-regular progress report to keep myself focused. And, perhaps, to keep my mitts out of the cheese-dip. These musings may help you on your own journey. This is no fad (or, sadly, fast) diet. I want a permanent loss, not a brief trip to Skinnyville and back. The goal is as much to get healthy as to lose weight. That sounds serious, but I'll try to keep it light-hearted. Maybe we can lighten up some other organs as well (except, of course my magnificent spleen).

I'm not a dietician; just a lowly science journalist. To most scientists, I rate a tiny notch above pond scum. But I've written about cancer, diabetes and heart disease for many years and I know that diet can play a significant role in these maladies. Also, I've consulted many excellent doctors, who first terrified me with stories of fat gone bad and then tried to soothe me with reasonable ways to ditch it. I've tried to distill their cranky advice into something that actually seems to work with relatively little hardship.

How bad is this diet? There are certain aspects — like walking and eating fruit — that are truly horrifying. But on the upside, I think anyone who isn't bedridden should be able to follow my progress and get some good from it. Actually, even if you're bedridden, you should at least get a warm glow from my endless, and apparently amusing, misery.

Another upside is taste: I've been researching spices that help to burn calories, lower blood pressure and ease arthritis. But wait, you say, spices taste good. Won't that make me eat more? We'll see. So far it makes me savor my food, which in turn slows down my eating. That, I believe, is a good thing, although I remain suspicious of anything that makes dieting more tolerable. It just doesn't seem right.

One way or another, I'm going to shed my fat suit and expose that lean, sexy (and well-spleened) machine underneath it all. If you want to join along, I guess I can't stop you, even though I know you'll be snickering at my expense as I endure the countless embarrassing levels of diet hell.

I can't even blame you — it's like trying to divert your eyes from an imminent train wreck. Or, perhaps more to the point, flaming bacon. Oh well, misery loves company, I guess.

You can stick around. But this fat has got to go.

Tune in next week to see how committed Scott is to his "damn diet." Just don't mention fruit...